i know you can’t receive things when your hands are clasped tightly, but why is it so hard to let go?
haha to be honest, right now i do feel a bit “blah”.
i remember when i was studying for the USMLE, they mentioned that it’s very common for 3rd year med students to become depressed, and if you become depressed, it’s okay to seek help. let me be clear, i am not depressed, nor do i feel like i’m becoming depressed. but after experiencing 5 weeks of OB-GYN so far, i can easily see why it’s easy to become depressed during your 3rd year.
during the first two years, all you’re concerned about is learning, studying, and getting good grades on your exam so that you can pass your basic sciences in order to qualify for the USMLE. the only way you’re assessed during your first two years is by your grades. you might fail an exam, or get a low score, but that’s okay. it really isn’t that big of a deal, especially in hindsight. but once you get to your 3rd year, which is where i am at, expectations rise like crazy. you’re constantly given feedback and you’re constantly being assessed and evaluated. some days, you might be praised for your actions, and on others, you can be harshly criticized. i understand the importance of being corrected because they’re training you to take care of patients and save lives. but for the weak of heart, or for those people who have fragile self esteems, it really is difficult to be constantly getting negative feedback when you’re trying to do your best.
i’ve done really well so far though. i received an excellent score for my family rotation, and i already received part of my assessment for OB-GYN, so it seems that i should be set. but honestly, OB has been really taxing. it is far more intense than family medicine was. but the reason why i’m feeling so blah is because i was reprimanded for not attending an abortion. the surgeon, who is one of my attending physicians, understood my reason for not attending and did not make a big deal out of it. however, another attending found out that i wasn’t present for it and made it into a big deal, scolding me in front of other people. it seems silly to be upset over this, when i was just practicing my right to not attend. however, that’s how my day started and it put me in shock for the rest of the day. it only worsened when the nurses that were on the floor that day did not trust me to do the foleys or insert the IV’s for our patients, which is a requirement for us to do. it just bothers me because they said they would call me to do them but they ended up doing them behind my back because they didn’t trust me enough. it hurts because those are just simple procedures to do. and i’m not an expert by any means. but if i am to learn how to them properly, i need to practice. but where can i get practice if i’m not trusted? and apparently, students in the past have had this problem at this hospital as well.
in the whole hierarchy of things, med students are at the very lowest position, even below the nurses and aids and techs. we often aren’t trusted with responsibilities because we have the least amount of experience and practice. so for me, i’m not depressed, but sincerely frustrated by this. i want to learn. and i need to learn. but if i’m not trusted to learn, how am i supposed to grow? it literally makes me feel like giving up a little bit. but i have to keep fighting and work hard and hopefully gain their trust to do these procedures.
the worst part is that it makes me nervous to move onto my next rotation. i’ll have to start all over again and go through this process. but everyone that is a doctor has gone through it and made it. so i can’t just try to get by. i need to strive.
Dr. Brosnan told me I was going to make a great doctor just a few minutes ago. I really appreciated it because I’m in the middle of my OB rotation and i literally feel like i’m a fish out of water. it’s so fast paced and hectic! but it’s super rewarding and amazing to see the miracle of life like 3 or 4 times a day haha. But for real, i swear, affirmation and encouragement are the greatest gifts you can give to people.
"I mean, I don’t even remember when it stopped working"
Wong Fu’s “Somewhere Like This”